By Anna Brand, Hollywood.com Staff
Someone please call a pharmacist, because we need large doses of anti-depressants stat. It's real bad. No one is smiling, no one is singing in cheerful pitches, no one is giving a damn at all. The last time we last saw our Southern friends from Nashville, we were left disappointed by the lack of drama. The big rivalry had disappeared between Rayna and Juliette, Deacon and Ray never got it on and Avery was still wearing his leather choker. We were expecting Country Strong on crack and what we got was a tiny dose of Crazy Heart, at best. And apparently, we're not the only ones depressed about it.
The Rayna and Deacon Story
Ever since Deacon left Nashville to tour the world or three states, or something everything has gone to sh*t. He's a mess of scruff walking the stage drunk on sad emotion. No, he hasn't actually been drinking (not that we've seen anyway), but man is this guy in a dark place. Being called a ""backup"" on any level is brutally torturing his ego. It's hurting his motivation so much so that he doesn't even blink twice when a mysterious brunette assaults his mouth at first sighting. It appears this attacker is an ex girlfriend of sorts, a reporter named Carmen. Good. Deacon's needed some love, if only tour love, to regain some of his mojo. But this isn't just a fling apparently these two have known each other for at least 14 years. Carmen knows all about his ever-growing rabbit hole, and she takes full advantage of it. The two roll around between hotel sheets for hours, trying to escape his dark cloud. But it is lingering. It lingers on through the night, slowly straining Deacon's perfectly wrinkled brow, until he finally gets up and walks himself to the corner of the room and crouches into his misery.
The Scarlett-Gunnar-Avery Story
Here's the thing. This love triangle is possibly the worst love triangle in the history of love triangles. There's no real connection with any of the above. And none of the relationships are so strong that they merit deep, longing sorrow. They're trying, but it's just not working. So I'd rather not acknowledge its existence as a plot line at all. But, alas. Scar thinks she's free from crazy-man Avery as she and Gunnar start spending more time together. She's not sure whether she wants to remain a prissy princess singer or turn to the dark side it's like that time on Boy Meets World when Eric met that cheery musician who kept singing about dandelions but then he pissed her off so she made a song called ""Shallow Boy"" and went all eems. Anyway, this could be what's happening to Scarlett, but we can't be sure yet. Gunnar's mad at her because they're not writing any music together, and her frustration leads her into Avery's adolescent-like arms. She welcomes ex sex warmly and after, as she's wrapped in Christmas wrapping paper and he's petting his choker, they get into a nasty fight and he storms out. Because no one saw that coming. This takes Scar to another stage where she rocks her head back and forth, singing a song she did not write. But man are people into her newfound edge. She's offered a spot in a band, but she just can't quite commit. Scar runs back to Gunnar where they sing in harmony in a dingy office space, and we all know she's chosen to stick with her white lace persona.
The Teddy and Rayna Story
This marriage is so over. It's so over they don't even try to pretend anymore. There's no hugging or cheek kissing or hair twirling. Ray doesn't flash her glossy teeth. She's so sad and mad and antsy that she asks for her tour with Juliette to get moved up, so she can get the f*ck out of Nashville. And this time she's taking the kids with her, she tells Teddy. Not surprisingly, he's devastated and angered at this news, so he goes to her father and sister (again). Doesn't he have any family of his own? Honestly, where is his family? Well, we do find out that even his family isn't his family. What does that mean? It means one their daughters ISN'T REALLY HIS. Could it be Deacon's? Probably. So that's f***ing crazy. Eventually, D comes to realize that he'll never win a battle against the Queen of the Hair and backs down. He and Ray admit their marriage has failed and though they'll act fine in front of the kids for now, everything is dead. It's all dead.
The Juliette and Celibate Football Player Boyfriend Story
Welp, they went and got married! Juliette in white straddles her now husband, also in white, in a limo heading home, celebrating their bad decision. She's all smiles now that she can take his virginity, but all that changes quickly. As soon as his snotty parents find out what happened, they go buck wild. A proper wedding must be had! So the planning begins and in moments a venue and a dress is all picked out and ready to go. Literally a nano-second later we're at the big day. It's clear J isn't ready for this commitment even though she's already gone through with it and she keeps making confused faces at herself in her dress. And in the limo. And in the mirror. Etc. Etc. As she makes her way over to the church, she slouches back and removes the necklace her husband wants her to wear down the aisle. She leaves it in the car before she exits, strutting in her gown to her private plane. She's not going to get married. She's going to Fiji, or something. I wonder what will happen when she remembers that she's already married.
[Image Credit: ABC]
Follow Anna on Twitter @thebrandedgirl
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