1. PMS Pam--Her chit chat will include talk of diseases that could strike at any time, children who were poisoned by school lunches, and Botox gone horribly wrong. After a few minutes, you'll be sucked into worry that will have you questioning your safety, your health, and your marriage. Rule of Thumb: Never talk to her alone. It will take another friend to pull you away.
2. Stalky Samantha--Samantha wants your life. She will work her way into plans with you. She'll make sure her kids get close to your kids, sign them up for the same activities, clubs, teams, and classes. She'll call other people to determine where you are at any given time. Her skills include frequent drive-bys, constant contact through scouring pictures and updates on social media, and oddly "running into you" everywhere. Rule of Thumb: Be careful with this one, we all know how stalker movies turn out.
3. Donna Droner--This chatty chick finds every detail of her stories not only imperative, but scintillating - whether she's describing how she rescheduled her children's annual checkups, or her 39-step trick to get discoloration out of grout. Rule of Thumb: Take a fake call. If you're not holding your phone, pick up anything, hold it to your ear and answer it.
4. Braggy Beth--This gal will make you question whether your child is stupid, lazy, or socially inept. No matter what your kid's accomplishments are, Beth's kids did it better, and did it earlier. Listening to her talk will bring out a shameful side of you that wants to give her kid the finger. Rule of Thumb: Don't give her kid the finger… kick her in the shin and run.
5. Judgy Julie--This mom is assessing your every move. On play dates, she's estimating how many toys you have in your dining room, the sugar content in your pantry, and when you last dusted your blinds. Her goal is simple: find enough evidence to confirm what she suspected all along: She is better than you. Rule of Thumb: Be careful how much you let Judgy Julie see because she doesn't keep her verdicts to herself.
6. TMI Tammy--Tammy is like a bad Facebook status in the flesh. She feels that the disgusting details of the ooze in her son's ear and the consistency of her daughter's last bowel movement is cool. Rule of Thumb: Stick to "Hi" and "Bye" and NEVER ask how she's doing.
7. Fend For Yourself Fran--Your kid is distracting hers, so she can get a moment of peace, a glass of wine, a few minutes to read "Mommy Porn." She's not concerned with what the kids are doing, as long as they're doing it quietly and far away. You may come to her house to find your child, miserable, hungry, bruised, or locked in a bathroom, which she will have no explanation for. Rule of Thumb: Always have her kid at your house or send yours over to hers with a survival kit.
8. Delusional Denise—She has no clue what her child is REALLY like. She's unaware that her offspring could do any wrong. If confronted, Denise will deny that it was her little angel, she'll explain how it was an accident, or she'll complain that her child always seems to be the scapegoat. Rule of Thumb: Keep yourself your kids and your pets as far away as possible - Denise's kids are the ones who grow up to be serial killers.
9. Know it all Nicole--This mom will advise you how to be a better mom and wife. She'll tell you whether you should or shouldn't vaccinate, how to get whites their whitest, and why you can never go to a drive-thru.
10. Me Me Mimi—"Enough about you, more about Mimi" is her slogan. Rule of Thumb: Avoid this time suck at all costs. Even a nod in her direction opens a door for her to tell you more about herself and her family.